Today was incredibly difficult for me. I helped a friend, as much as anyone can help another, grieve and lay a family member to rest. I honestly think it was more about someone hanging out with her than anything else, but it made me feel good to be able to do that for her. I had an incident at work that brought my world crashing down. I won’t talk about what I do, but it was nearly earth shattering to me. It was a double edged sword, really. On one hand I’m proud I was strong enough to get through, even if just barely. On the other hand I just wanted someone to make it better. I’m learning that some things that people tell you are complete horse shit. Things I’ve said before are total and utter crap. It’ll get better? The fuck it will. Life will kick you in the ass, and then you will cope with it. The concept of things getting better is not realistic. You know what I think? I think the phrase this will pass is much more accurate. When something happens in your life the trauma of that situation will pass, and then you will cope. Then, something else will happen, you’ll deal with that trauma and figure out a new way to cope. Nothing goes away. We don’t dump one problem for another. They add up, like layers of clothes. We don’t wear parkas in the summer, we’d get heat stroke and die. But, we slowly get used to adding layers of clothes throughout the fall until the winter months come, then we can handle wearing a parka, it makes sense. The thing is though, we don’t move backwards, we rarely start over. So looking towards a metaphorical spring when we can shed all our layers is pointless. I’m not a pessimist. I don’t mean that life isn’t enjoyable. It is, we live, we love, we have fun regardless of the traumatic situations and events that shape our lives. But, nothing goes away, nothing just disappears. We deal and cope, we shape ourselves as people. So, I’m taking some sleeping pills and telling myself this shall pass, and hoping it passes more quickly than not.