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What I’ve learned…

This post pertains to my interactions, learnings and experiences in the BDSM community.  For those of you not involved in the kink world, it may be a bit tedious.


Having been a part of this amazing community and lifestyle, real time, for just about two years I have learned a few things.  I’d like to take the time to share those things, because they are important things that you generally only learn from getting out in the community and experiencing them.  These things I feel compelled to share are my thoughts, based on my experiences.  They reflect, well, my opinion.  And just so we’re clear they don’t require validation from anyone else, but they are things I would like to share with those open-minded and receptive enough to potentially learn something.

First and foremost, there are so many different dynamics involved in this community.  I respect every single one of them.  If I were to walk into a leather event (which I’ve done) I would make damn sure I knew how to behave there.  And I would learn that from people, not websites.  It’s good to ask questions, in fact I guarantee that people will welcome you more if you ask questions than if you just show up and wing it, pretending like you know everything.  That’s arrogance, and it gets you nowhere.  Also, unless an event is stated to be of a specific, exclusive dynamic then it’s not appropriate to hold others to one set of standards or another, aside from those listed for the event.  At a kinksters event, it’s not appropriate to treat anyone, as a person, differently than others.  Because we are all different, unless we state that an event is for a specific dynamic (i.e. FemDommes, or submissives munches) then exclusivity is just that, it’s a means to ostracize others, whether it is intentional or not.

Having said that, I’ve also learned that I have no right to define anyone else’s dynamic.  I’m a submissive, a babygirl, a little and at times, and just for shits and giggles, or educational purposes, a Top.  That doesn’t give me the right to tell anyone else who doesn’t do things the same way I do that they are wrong.  Whatever you do with your partner is beautiful, as long as it’s consensual and you’re both happy.  That doesn’t mean, however, that you are inherently right and I’m ignorant of this lifestyle just because you are partnered and I am not.  No one needs a Dominant to be submissive by nature, and there is no action that defines a Dominant or a submissive.  The statement, “a true submissive would…” is not only haughty, but also as far from the truth as can be.  What you may perceive to be vital aspects of your submission or Dominance another might see as unnecessary.  They, however, will have their own views of what defines their dynamic.  No one is more right or by definition more deeply submissive or Dominant just because they don’t practice their kink a certain way.

Now here comes a touchy subject.  Online play can be fun.  It can be an outlet when there is none available in your real life.  It can be a great way to live your kink out without having to worry about outing yourself or being discovered.  It can also be a fabulous way to improve your writing skills.  It is not, however, real world applicable.  I don’t mean that long distance relationships never come to fruition, or that submitting to someone online is not valid.  I have no right to define anyone else’s dynamic.  What I am saying is the chatroom ideas or protocol that BDSM is about submissives needing to beg entry to events, that uncollared submissives are required to serve to be part of an event or group, and the idea that all Dominants inherently deserve respect and all submissives are inherently subservient to them is a fallacy.  First of all, any Tom, Dick or Nancy can call themselves a Dominant.  It doesn’t simply make it so.  I respect those around me, as human beings.  I respect the dynamics involved in this lifestyle, and more than likely, if I see you as a Dominant, I will call you Sir or Ma’am.  It’s part of who I am.  I will not, however, bow down to Sir Domly Domington or Lady Topsalot just because they check the Dom/me box on their application form and I happen to be a submissive.  I’m submissive to those I choose to submit to, because it’s a choice.  We have to remember that in the real world we’re all equals.  If we applied online chatroom rules to group events then what happens when someone is violated?  There’s a big difference between closing an internet browser and finding a way home while in sub-drop, crying.  Online play has a time and a place, but the practices involved with online play do not coincide with real life situations.

I’m going to take a moment and expand on the notion of respect.  Respect is something that, for me, is earned.  I am polite, most of the time well mannered, and at the very least civil.  I’m not perfect, I make mistakes just like everyone else, but that’s what makes us all human.  I’ve heard, countless times, that submissives, or bottoms, should respect Dominants/Tops.  While I agree that we should all have a level of respect for each other as humans, I’m just not willing to dole out respect in barrel loads to someone based on their kinky dynamic.  Dominant is a word, it’s a title that some take, it’s a state of being for some, as is the word submissive.  The key here is that so are the words president, astronaut, firefighter, etc., and just because someone claims to be the president doesn’t make them so.  A person claiming to be a firefighter behaves as a firefighter.  They don’t put on a tutu and dance for a living.  That’s a ballerina.  Likewise, a person calling themselves a Dominant should behave appropriately.  There is a difference between dominance and being domineering.  There is a difference between being in control and being controlling.  There is a difference between confidence and arrogance.  I respect those that show me they should be respected, regardless of title or dynamic.  I don’t have to place myself lower than anyone based on their claims to be one dynamic or another.  And if a person has no respect for me, then I can only give what I have received.

I’m wrapping this up now, because frankly, it’s much longer than I intended it to be.  You may not agree, but hopefully you’ll read this, actually read and process it before you respond.  Hopefully it makes you think, and it helps us all have a more cooperative community.  Because we all belong here, regardless of our personal dynamic.

About shelbysue

I'm a kinky, submissive babygirl, a pansexual, a writer, speaker, volunteer, activist and all around friendly person. I believe in everyone's right to be who they are, regardless of who that may be. I am strongly drawn to gender bending of all types, especially bois, though I am extremely femme. I'm just a girl for a boi.

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