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Monthly Archives: December 2011

On Christmas and what it means to me.

This Christmas is a new experience for me.  I’m single, living alone for the first time in nine years and I’m not with my family.  Well, I’m not with my immediate family.  It hit me hard yesterday, I’ve only spent one Christmas away from my parents and brother, I was feeling lonely.  So, I went to my grandmother’s house and we made five pounds of cookies the size of my fingernail. I shit you not, the size of my fingernail.  It helped immensely to spend that time with her, to reconnect.  She’s so different from me, so conservative, religious and old fashioned, and while there’s nothing wrong with her living her life the way she wants it limits the things I can share with her, tell her.  But yesterday we were closer than we’ve been since I was a teenager.  I needed that.  I might still be feeling a touch lonely, but this morning I’m much more peaceful about it.

When I was growing up, and I’m not going to get into specifics or how fucked up my childhood was or how I should be pitied because I shouldn’t, there was a lot of chaos.  Christmas, however, was the one day I could count on no one being drunk, no one getting hit, no one screaming or fighting or cussing or walking out the door.  Christmas was magic for me.  Not because of religious reasons, I won’t get into my religious beliefs, they’re personal.  Christmas was magic because I got to be a normal kid for a day.  As a young adult I struggled with my relationships with my parents.  Christmas was a day when everything petty and lingering from my childhood was put aside and we all reminded each other that underneath all the crazy and the mean we really love each other.  And we do.  We love each other fiercely.  So fiercely at times that we can’t stop ourselves from reacting to each other’s actions aggressively, because we worry about each other.  Is it right?  Probably not.  But that’s how we deal with things.

As I got older and experienced more of the world my family and I, we hashed things out.  We all realize that we are adults and no one can control anyone else’s actions.  We’ve resolved to be there for one another, love and support each other even if we don’t agree with what the other is doing.  We got closer, they got me through my ex-husband’s deployments, we supported my brother through his divorce.  When one of us lost a job or had a hardship we all banded together to help, not out of obligation, but out of love.  Two Christmases ago we decided we wouldn’t buy each other gifts, we would make them.  My brother and I sat on the floor in my parent’s living room sifting through childhood photos, making a collage.  We laughed, cried and realized that that was Christmas.  That is what Christmas is about, at least to us.  Christmas is family, gratitude, love, joy, togetherness and happiness, even when things are sad.  Christmas is a time to realize that we may not have everything, but what we do have is precious, fucking precious.  Christmas is about not taking your family, biological or otherwise, for granted.  Christmas isn’t just a religious event for me.  It’s a day of happy reflection.

I didn’t realize how emotional writing this would make me.  I need a tissue, some more coffee and to call my family, so I can connect with them even if I can’t be there.  I just wanted to explain that when I say Merry Christmas, it’s about more than a religious holiday.  It’s about the beauty in the world we live in.

What I’ve learned…

This post pertains to my interactions, learnings and experiences in the BDSM community.  For those of you not involved in the kink world, it may be a bit tedious.


Having been a part of this amazing community and lifestyle, real time, for just about two years I have learned a few things.  I’d like to take the time to share those things, because they are important things that you generally only learn from getting out in the community and experiencing them.  These things I feel compelled to share are my thoughts, based on my experiences.  They reflect, well, my opinion.  And just so we’re clear they don’t require validation from anyone else, but they are things I would like to share with those open-minded and receptive enough to potentially learn something.

First and foremost, there are so many different dynamics involved in this community.  I respect every single one of them.  If I were to walk into a leather event (which I’ve done) I would make damn sure I knew how to behave there.  And I would learn that from people, not websites.  It’s good to ask questions, in fact I guarantee that people will welcome you more if you ask questions than if you just show up and wing it, pretending like you know everything.  That’s arrogance, and it gets you nowhere.  Also, unless an event is stated to be of a specific, exclusive dynamic then it’s not appropriate to hold others to one set of standards or another, aside from those listed for the event.  At a kinksters event, it’s not appropriate to treat anyone, as a person, differently than others.  Because we are all different, unless we state that an event is for a specific dynamic (i.e. FemDommes, or submissives munches) then exclusivity is just that, it’s a means to ostracize others, whether it is intentional or not.

Having said that, I’ve also learned that I have no right to define anyone else’s dynamic.  I’m a submissive, a babygirl, a little and at times, and just for shits and giggles, or educational purposes, a Top.  That doesn’t give me the right to tell anyone else who doesn’t do things the same way I do that they are wrong.  Whatever you do with your partner is beautiful, as long as it’s consensual and you’re both happy.  That doesn’t mean, however, that you are inherently right and I’m ignorant of this lifestyle just because you are partnered and I am not.  No one needs a Dominant to be submissive by nature, and there is no action that defines a Dominant or a submissive.  The statement, “a true submissive would…” is not only haughty, but also as far from the truth as can be.  What you may perceive to be vital aspects of your submission or Dominance another might see as unnecessary.  They, however, will have their own views of what defines their dynamic.  No one is more right or by definition more deeply submissive or Dominant just because they don’t practice their kink a certain way.

Now here comes a touchy subject.  Online play can be fun.  It can be an outlet when there is none available in your real life.  It can be a great way to live your kink out without having to worry about outing yourself or being discovered.  It can also be a fabulous way to improve your writing skills.  It is not, however, real world applicable.  I don’t mean that long distance relationships never come to fruition, or that submitting to someone online is not valid.  I have no right to define anyone else’s dynamic.  What I am saying is the chatroom ideas or protocol that BDSM is about submissives needing to beg entry to events, that uncollared submissives are required to serve to be part of an event or group, and the idea that all Dominants inherently deserve respect and all submissives are inherently subservient to them is a fallacy.  First of all, any Tom, Dick or Nancy can call themselves a Dominant.  It doesn’t simply make it so.  I respect those around me, as human beings.  I respect the dynamics involved in this lifestyle, and more than likely, if I see you as a Dominant, I will call you Sir or Ma’am.  It’s part of who I am.  I will not, however, bow down to Sir Domly Domington or Lady Topsalot just because they check the Dom/me box on their application form and I happen to be a submissive.  I’m submissive to those I choose to submit to, because it’s a choice.  We have to remember that in the real world we’re all equals.  If we applied online chatroom rules to group events then what happens when someone is violated?  There’s a big difference between closing an internet browser and finding a way home while in sub-drop, crying.  Online play has a time and a place, but the practices involved with online play do not coincide with real life situations.

I’m going to take a moment and expand on the notion of respect.  Respect is something that, for me, is earned.  I am polite, most of the time well mannered, and at the very least civil.  I’m not perfect, I make mistakes just like everyone else, but that’s what makes us all human.  I’ve heard, countless times, that submissives, or bottoms, should respect Dominants/Tops.  While I agree that we should all have a level of respect for each other as humans, I’m just not willing to dole out respect in barrel loads to someone based on their kinky dynamic.  Dominant is a word, it’s a title that some take, it’s a state of being for some, as is the word submissive.  The key here is that so are the words president, astronaut, firefighter, etc., and just because someone claims to be the president doesn’t make them so.  A person claiming to be a firefighter behaves as a firefighter.  They don’t put on a tutu and dance for a living.  That’s a ballerina.  Likewise, a person calling themselves a Dominant should behave appropriately.  There is a difference between dominance and being domineering.  There is a difference between being in control and being controlling.  There is a difference between confidence and arrogance.  I respect those that show me they should be respected, regardless of title or dynamic.  I don’t have to place myself lower than anyone based on their claims to be one dynamic or another.  And if a person has no respect for me, then I can only give what I have received.

I’m wrapping this up now, because frankly, it’s much longer than I intended it to be.  You may not agree, but hopefully you’ll read this, actually read and process it before you respond.  Hopefully it makes you think, and it helps us all have a more cooperative community.  Because we all belong here, regardless of our personal dynamic.

Holy shit, where have I been?

So…lazy bloggers will say that life gets in the way of, well, blogging.  And we’ll make all these asinine promises to blog on through.  But reality happens, sometimes things are too raw, sometimes things are too close to home to be dealt with in a semi-public forum.  Or a private forum.  Or at all.  I apologize that shit happens, but honestly, I wasn’t really in a place to share much up until this moment.


So, quick run down?  I’m single again.  Some things just don’t work out.  Sometimes we get blindsided by hormones, attraction, sex, great sex, kinky sex, and nice eyes and we don’t allow ourselves to see the warning signs.  I need that robot from Lost In Space, “Danger, ShelbySue.”  Seriously though, this is not about my former partner being a bad person or me being superior in any way, it just happens that not every two people who want each other are good together.


Okay, that’s over and dealt with.  I’m not going to address that again if I can help it because it’s emotional, and, well, I’ve got enough emotional shit in my life.  Let’s move on to some fun stuff, shall we?  I played a couple of nights ago.  Not in a light, jovial, 10 minute spanking kind of way.  I played for an extended period of time with lots of implements until I couldn’t moan anymore, until I couldn’t sing and warble and I was left panting.  And it was amazing.  I tend to put my own needs last and I realized, sitting on the couch at a munch, little and wrapped in a blanket, that it’s okay to need play.  I say these things to other people, to other bottoms and submissives.  I tell them, it’s normal to, once you come to terms with your needs and desires, need to play to stay sane, to purge ugly shit and, if it’s your thing, atone.  I keep everything coiled up so tightly so I don’t drop my basket, but I realized it’s that tight coil that causes my apples to scatter across the ground.  I have a tendency to take on too much, to help when I can, and even when I can’t.  I sometimes think I’m Atlas, and the world can rest safely on my small shoulders.  Then I realize, as it tumbles off and rolls away that I have lost my delicate mind and I have no idea how in the fancy fuck to get it back.  This is where play comes in for me.  Don’t mistake me, I’m not at a point where I need to be put in a hug-me coat, but I get spun out.  And once I play, really play hard until I lose the words and can’t follow what’s going on around me, that’s where I find myself again.  And it never fails that afterwards I’ll tell myself I won’t wait that long to play, but I just had the epiphany that I don’t cut myself as much slack as I demand others cut themselves.  I sit and talk with others, listening to them describe the very same situation I am in, and I tell them to play more, to get their kink out more, to get outside of their heads for a while more often, but I never take my own advice.  I’m going to start taking my own advice more often, because hot damn, not only do I feel immeasurably better, but I had a fucking blast, and I need that kind of fun more often!


For those of you who are still with me, thanks for sticking around, and for those I lost in my quagmire of blech, well, that’s my loss.  I’m going to be better about taking care of me, and that just might involve blogging more often, in fact I’m fairly certain it will.