RSS Feed

Monthly Archives: July 2011

What do you do when?

Posted on

I don’t brat.  As a submissive I find myself repulsed by the quality in myself.  Other subs brat and it doesn’t bother me one iota.  But me?  I need to be the good girl, all the time.  I need to know that I please him, all the time.  And today I find myself being a shit head bratty little S.A.M. for no apparent reason.  Maybe it’s my hormones, maybe it’s the distance, maybe I’m just having an off day like my Daddy says, but it’s wrecking me right now.  I don’t behave this way.  I don’t question and talk back, I don’t refuse to do what he asks and tell him how his requests are a burden to me.  That’s abhorrent.  And the worst part is, I know I’ve hurt him.  He says he understands, that he forgives me, and I believe him wholeheartedly.  The problem is I can’t forgive me.  I can’t believe I behaved the way I did.  I don’t even know how to recover from this at the moment.  I feel wretched, and very undeserving of his love and affection right now.  It probably stems from my childhood and always wanting to be a good kid so I wouldn’t get hit or told I was a disappointment.  But either way, it’s something deeply engrained in me.  I get panicked when I’ve done something I feel is wrong, because it makes me horrified that he’s going to get sick of me if I’m not on par all the time.  It’s really not something I have any control over at this time, and it’s rocking my world right now.

Please feel free to comment, if you have any thoughts or suggestions.  I enjoy the comments very much!

Distance is…

Posted on

Distance is difficult.  Being physically three hours away from my Daddy/boifriend is, at times, excruciating.  I’m a babygirl, in every sense.  I  need comfort, reassurance.  I need to be held, coddled a bit, and roughed up most of the time.  I need to come home from a stressful day and crawl in his lap, be held, then dragged to the bedroom by my hair and have my ass pounded.  These are more than wants.

But what’s even harder is emotional distance.  We all have methods of self preservation.  I would never begrudge anyone their coping mechanisms.  But when I leave him there and come back here he is always distant for a few days, always tucked away behind a shell.  And it used to be a wall, in the beginning it was a wall.  Now it’s just a shell, so that’s progress.  I just get scared that in his effort to protect himself from being so raw he’s going to disconnect too much, he’s going to disconnect from me and not just the distance or pain.  I need him.  It’s hard for me to admit need, hard for me to admit someone has me completely vulnerable, weak.  But he does.  And my God, he is so amazing to me, with me.  How many bois greet their girl at the car with a bouquet of flowers and send them inside while they get the luggage?  How many bois cover the house in rose petals leading to the bedroom with candles flickering?  How many bois give their girls commitment rings to symbolize their seriousness and intent to collar them, hopefully one day marry them?  How many then fuck their girl and choke her with their belt while calling her a filthy whore and telling her how much they love her?  My Daddy does.  He’s amazing, but he needs to have his down time too, his vulnerability and weakness.  I just don’t get to be privy to that like he is with me.  And it’s new still.  In the grand scheme of things it’s very new, but it still scares me that he could just decide it’s too hard, too difficult, too much work at some point in time, and that would be devastating.  My faith in myself, my ability to hold his attention and affection, my worthiness of his love and ownership, my value as a human and as a submissive, these faiths in myself are not strong in the least, and those doubts eat at me when he needs space.  Perhaps when he takes time to deal with his emotions and need for solitude I should take time to work on me, revel in an opportunity for personal growth and development.  But all I can do is worry, and fight the urge to try and move mountains.  Molehills I can do, but his mountains are his own to move, just like he can’t move mine.

I am…

Posted on

I am exceptionally sentimental and girly tonight.  I blame it on my lady parts.  And the moon.  The point is, I’m feeling nesty, but my nest is three hours away.  It gets increasingly more difficult to manage the ache I have for him.  And it’s not just sexual.  Though our sex is phenomenal, FUCKING phenomenal, sex is just sex without something more to back it up.  And what we have is so much more.  I’m finding myself dumbstruck at how easily I’m able to be myself entirely with him.  He loves my smart mouth, when it’s not directed at him.  He knows I need boundaries, knows when to be my Sir, my mean Daddy, and when to hold me (even if I’m far away) and let me be a neurotic mess.  When I tell him I want to try something he says sure.  My mind is blown.  And he’s seen a good amount of my crazy, which is pretty fucking crazy, and he’s still here, in this with me.  I don’t understand what I’ve done to deserve him, my friend, my boifriend, my lover, my confidante, my Daddy, my Sir, but I’m not one to take someone so amazing for granted.  He takes my breath away, sometimes literally (I told you I’m a kinky bitch, hehe) and so he’s stuck with me until he can’t stand to have me around.  He wants it all, too.  Not just playing house in the bedroom, but building a home with each other, making a life together.  I want that so bad I can hardly see straight.  Well, I guess that would be because I’m not straight, but you catch my drift.  I want it all with him, and right now I’m in my bed, listening to the rain pour down outside and all I want is to be in his strong arms.  I am in love.

3 a.m.

Posted on

It’s the middle of the night.  I’m probably going to get in trouble for blogging in the middle of the night, but I can’t help it.  My Daddy and I are a few hours apart, and we knew we would have to deal with this when we decided to get together, but it doesn’t make it any easier.  I’m getting to the point where I’m struggling not to throw all my shit that will fit in my car and move up there.  I’m not that irresponsible or irrational, but that romantic girl in me thinks that it might not be the worst idea ever to just walk away from my life here.  I have a job, school and so many friends and family members here that there is no way I would do that, but it’s still niggling in the back of my mind.

I miss my sweet Daddy who holds me when I cry and tells me I’m not being an overly emotional twit (which I soooo am).  I miss my mean Daddy who fucks me with his hand on my throat, growling in my ear, “cum for me whore.”  I miss my boifriend who is the most amazing gentleman, he opens doors for me, holds my hand and walks on the traffic side of the sidewalk every time.  I’ve never been treated like such a precious thing, and it almost overwhelms me.  I miss my friend and lover who jokes with me, laughs with me.  I miss him.  I miss sleeping next to him.

But, I also am so glad we’re doing this right.  We’re not losing our minds and renting a u-haul truck, packing up my stuff and withdrawing me from school.  We’re being level headed, responsible and smart.  He respects me so much he would never let me put myself at the bottom of the priority list, and so he makes sure I know that school is a priority, my schooling is important to both of us.  I don’t know how to be important to someone else.  Normally by now I’d be looking for a million reasons to cut and run, but for him I’m not even making that an option.  It’s a hard tumble down the rabbit hole, but when you get to the bottom, you’re in Wonderland.

Finally!

Posted on

This is only semi-lucid and unedited because I am still exhausted and floating on cloud nine from this past weekend.  Having said that, I’ve met someone!  He’s incredible, though he has no clue just how amazing he is, and I’m falling.  My boifriend (insert ridiculous girly giggle here) is incredibly handsome and drop dead sexy and smart, funny and just amazing to be around.  Oh, and did I mention he’s a Daddy?  I haven’t written anything in a while because I’ve been so wrapped up in the newness but he deserves to be part of this, because, after all, the whole purpose of this blog is to have an open forum for my relationships and experiences.  And while it’s new, he’s definitely a long term fixture in my life.

The sex is amazing, the Daddy/babygirl dynamic is exactly what I need and want, but other than that it’s so much more.  He opens my car door for me, he orders for me at restaurants, and while some girls might be offended by that, I think it’s chivalrous and it’s something I’ve never really had before.  I’m swooning, and on cloud nine, and also terrified of my feelings, but I’m so ready to dive in head first, literally. (That’s all for you Daddy)